When I was small, my way of coping with chronic abuse was to disappear inside my mind and split off from myself. I created various selves, some brave and bold, others became comfortors, some with a great sense of humor, some very shy, some very angry and the list goes on.
I'd like to introduce you to a little girl about 6 years old. She is one of these "selves". I don't know her name yet because she is so shy. She is also desperately needy. I have heard her voice crying mournfully, "I want my Mommy, I want my Mommy!" for years inside my head. It has been heartbreaking to hear and I have despaired of ever quieting it. The awfull crying is also quite distracting from my daily activities.
During a recent counseling session, my T. we'll call her Carol, was sitting on the floor of her office opening a coloring book and a box of crayons. That is usually her clue to any wounded, separated parts of my phyche to have a chance to express anything troubling so that it can be healed. Often words cannot express the pain inside and crayons and paper, or clay often help describe what has no words.
I felt my body shrink, legs barely dangling over the couch and my eyes widen with curiosity at the sight of my fifty year old, usually gutsy therapist sitting crosslegged on the carpet with crayons and paper and coloring books. The child I had become watched for awhile and finally overcame her shyness to barely whisper a comment about the lady's coloring.
Eventually the child slipped onto the floor with the lady and picked up a pad of paper and some crayons. She carefully selected some colors and began to draw a picture of a girl, then became upset with the drawing and scribbled over it in deep red color and started to cry. Carol attempted to quietly lead the child to explain her distress but she just cried more. Carol asked gently if the child wanted to sit closer to her and would she like to be hugged. The child refused but eventually retrieved a pillow from the couch and put in on Carol's lap and rested her head on it and wept more. The child began in stuttering short sentences to explain a little of what happened to her. As she told it she felt she was in two worlds at once. She was in her parents home terrified and being hurt and also in the safety of Carol's arms. Carol reassured her and stroked her head, "I am with you." The child's sobs finally softened and Carol's soothing voice gently brought her back to the safety of her office. Carol briefly referred to a lovely place where her usually "adult" client would go to in her mind that was lovely and peaceful. The child described it in full detail, including the feel of the cool grass on her bare feet.
child: "It is so pretty here. There are trees and grass like a pretty park. The flowers smell nice too and there is a stream. It is so pretty, but I feel a little sick."
Carol: "Do you see anyone there?"
Child: "Yes! I see a man...but I can't open my eyes very much. It is so bright. (child squints and covers her eyes) His clothes hurt my eyes. Oh, wait, he is giving me something. It is sunglasses!
(child grins and places the sunglasses on) Now I can see his face. He is smiling at me. I think he is very nice. Oh, no I feel sick again! ....The man says it is alright if I need to I can throw up in this stream. Oh, yuck! I threw up a bunch of black stuff in the stream and it is washing away, the stream is clean again!
Carol: "Do you want to go see the nice man?"
Child: "Oh, no, I can't do that. He is so clean and I am really dirty and smelly. I will get Him dirty.Ya' know what? I the nice man says I can play in his stream! It is so cool, not cold. (Child splashes again and again and laughs) Look, this nice man has a pretty white dress for me in the grass. It is so pretty! It is white eyelet lace! (Child discards her wet, dirty clothes and twirls in the pretty dress).
Oh, the nice man has tied flowers together like a tiarra and is putting them in my hair. Ohhh, they smell so sweet! I don't smell bad anymore I smell sweet. I feel like a princess. The man says I am a princess and I can come visit anytime I want. But I don't want to leave this pretty place and my new friend. He's letting me hug him. He says he will never hurt me. (child begins to cry) I never felt so safe before, ever! I know my new friend will take care of me."
Carol: "What is happening now?"
Child: "I am so tired, I gonna' rest in the grass right beside my new best friend. (and the little girl rested her head on the pillow in Carol's lap and went to sleep)
I-the adult me- opened my eyes. I was sitting on the couch in Carol's office. Carol was sitting in her chair and I had a pile of used tissues in my lap. I felt unusually peaceful and a little tired. I felt...loved and protected. Although I didn't yet remember the above details, I knew I had experienced an incredible healing at the feet of Jesus and He would in time reveal his visit with the wounded, abused little girl I had been so long ago.
" Carol," I asked, "Do you have fresh wild flowers in your office? It smells so sweet in here."
Carol grinned.
-- The Beginning --
"Releasing the Pain"
